David's Eulogy for Mom

Euology For Betty Kanouse
By David Kanouse
9 November, 1999

On behalf of the Kanouse family, I want to thank you for coming here today to celebrate the life of Betty H. Kanouse. She was my mother, the first and most enduring blessing of my life. I have always loved her dearly. But as an adult I have come to understand that the kind of mother she was grew out of the kind of person she was. Before I talk about that, let's go over the facts of her life, drawing on an autobiographical sketch she prepared for her grandchildren.

Elizabeth (Betty) Hitchcock, the elder daughter of Earl Edmund and Eileen Salyer Hitchcock, was born November 28, 1913, in Los Angeles, California. In 1916 the family moved to Glendale, where she received her elementary and high school education. She attended Glendale High School, where she was a debater, school representative of the Tri-High Extempore Speaking Contest, Vice President of the California Scholarship Federation, President of the Girls' Athletic Association, and Secretary of Girls' Athletics on the Student Body Council. She graduated in February 1932 as a California Gold Seal bearer.

She attended Glendale Junior College for one semester, and was elected to Phi Rho Pi, the national honorary forensic fraternity. She entered the University of Southern California. During her undergraduate years she worked as a reader in the English department and as an assistant in the Sociology department. She was a member of Alpha Gamma Delta sorority, Amazons, Clionian Literary Society, Quill Club, Spooks and Spokes, the women's debate team, and the women's judicial court. She also published articles and poems in the Daily Trojan, was a Girl Scout leader, and served as an extra in the movies. In 1936 she received the Bachelor of Arts degree, cum laude, with a major in English. She was elected to membership in the Phi Beta Kappa, Alpha Kappa Delta, and Epsilon Phi honorary fraternities. In 1937 she received a diploma in social work.

In 1936-7 she was a staff worker for the Girl Scouts, Los Angeles Council. In 1938-9 she was a social case weorker for the California State Relief, first in the Belvedere section of Los Angeles, and then in San Jose. In 1941 she was a social worker for the Home Service Department of the American Red Cross.

In 1934 she met Edgar Laroe Kanouse, who was then a graduate student at the California Institute of Technology, and they were married on September 29, 1938, at her parents' home in Eagle Rock, with the Rev. R. R. Detweiler, a Methodist minister and family friend, officiating. The couple spent the first months of their married life in Palo Alto, while he completed work on his Ph.D. in electrical engineering at Stanford University and she worked in Santa Clara County as a social worker. In 1939 they moved back to Los Angeles, where he was emplyed by the Los Angeles Department oif Water and Power, and where she became a homemaker.

David Earl, their first son, was born on June 10, 1943, at the Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital. Kent Laroe, their second son, was born on July 12, 1947, at the same hospital. In 1954 the family "adopted" Kim Choon Taik of Pusan, Korea, as their foster son, and gave him the name of Paul and the birth date of July 26, 1947.

In September 1937 Elizabeth Hitchcock committed her life to Christ and in December was baptized at the community church of Eagle Rock. In 1940, she transferred membership to Immanuel Presbyterian Church, Los Angeles, where her husband was a member. They were members of the Irvine Bible Class for sixteen years, during which time she held office and wrote the class history. For a short time she taught Sunday school in the junior and primary departments. She was a member of the Women's Missionary Society and belonged to Jubilee Guild, serving as president in 1951-2. She helped organize the Women's Association in 1954 by serving on the By-Laws Committee, and wass the first program chairman in 1955. In 1961 she served as a deaconess of Immanuel Presbyterian Church, and in 1962 she became the president of the Women's Association and held this office for three years. At the end of her term she was awarded an Honorary Associate membership of the Board of Christian Education of the United Presbyterian Church, U.S.A.

In 1965, she became the Fellowship Associate, Central District, of the Los Angeles Presbyterial, from which she soon resigned for health reasons. However, she continued to be active in the Women's Association, the Women's Aid, and the life of the church for another 30 years. When she was in her late seventies [?], she established a prayer circle at Immanuel that is still active today.

My father retired in 1972, and he and Mom took a six-week tour of Europe. Some years later they visited Israel, Greece, and Egypt with their friend, Dorothy Ralph. From 1976 to 1986, Mom pursued her lifelong interest in genealogy, painstakingly compiling family genealogy books that she presented to each grandchild on his or her 13th birthday. These volumes included not only genealogical accounts but also stories, diaries, letters, photographs, and other artifacts that helped to capture the life, times, and character of our ancestors--a rich treasure of family history that would surely never have been preserved but for her efforts.

In 1986, Mom and Ed were assaulted by robbers in their home. Her own brief note of this incident states, "Not much taken, but we spent the next week in the hospital." In fact, she spent much of that week in a coma and was not expected to live. But she did, and later remarked that she was glad not to have died because she would not want to be remembered as a murder victim. Unfortunately, both Mom and Ed suffered long-term effects from the beating. Melicent Hunt stayed with them to help afterwards, and the three got on so well that they invited Melicent to live with them, which she did until early this year. Ed developed normal pressure hydrocephalus and was limited in his physical and cognitive functioning for the last few years of his life, though with welcome remissions. He died August 16, 1981.

A few years later, Mom developed Parkinson's disease, which, along with other ailments, progressively limited her activity and made her increasingly dependent on the help of others, including her good friend Melicent Hunt, her faithful housekeeper Lillian Lopez, and her dedicated caregivers, Linda Dewgarde, better known as Jewel, and Sonia Smith. As infirmities overtook her, she surveyed her situation and perceived that she had a choice: She could be a cranky invalid or she could be a pleasant and agreeable invalid, easing the burden on her caregivers. Absolutely in keeping with her character, she chose the latter. Many of those here today got to know and love her only in her last years, when the kind, wise, and witty person she was came through so clearly that people who did not know her were drawn to her.

Mom's life revolved entirely around people--her family and her friends. Her friendships were remarkably deep and enduring. She had an extraordinary gift of seeing the best in people and valuing them on that basis. She often spoke admiringly of her Aunt Katie, who never said an unkind word about anyone. Mom emulated that with such success that it is difficult to think of a single example of her condemning or dismissing anyone, no matter how much she might disapprove of their behavior. This includes the robbers who beat her and left her for dead. Among her many wonderful friends were a handful of difficult personalities who were the fortunate beneficiaries of her extraordinary ability to see beneath the prickly exteriors they presented to the world.

Mom's friends could always count on her to be there for them in time of need. She was a loyal friend who would unhesitatingly give of her time and rearrange her own life in order to help whenever possible. She had great empathy and would often lose sleep over the travails of a friend or family member.

It is difficult to imagine a more devoted mother. From as early as I can remember, she was always there. She gave unsparingly of her time, energy, and creativity. She enjoyed spending time with us and delighted in reading to us and telling us family stories. Thinking back, it's clear we got prodigious amounts of what is now called "quality time." We also had lots of time to roam about and play on our own, of course, but Mom was the anchor.

Mom guided and shaped us in many ways, but she also allowed us to unfold in our own way, growing as the twig is bent. She treated our interests and enthusiasms with indulgent respect, even when it meant allowing slithering critters to be kept in our room. On one occasion, she came to the defense of my brother Kent when a bullying teacher harassed him for having interests, such as rock and roll, that were un-Christian, in the teacher's pinched view of the world. "Christianity," she admonished the teacher, "is about joy, not about fear." From the earliest age, Mom gave us the sense that we mattered, and that she would always be on our side. And she always was.

As a child, I suffered from frequent spells of asthma that were severe enough to keep me awake all night. On countless nights, Mom would maintain the all-night vigil, holding me upright on her lap until daybreak brought relief. Though these sessions were exhausting for her, I don't recall her ever losing patience or complaining about her own loss of sleep.

She was a registered Democrat and a member of the National Women's Party, which was dedicated to the passage of the Equal Rights Amendment. Although more active in church than in civic or political affairs, she was always thoughtful and independent in developing her positions on political and social issues. As a voter, she would study whatever material she could find on issues and candidates, exchange views with people whose opinions she respected, then vote her conscience. Often her vote differed from her husband's or that of most of her friends. She was strongly opposed to racial or religious bigotry and discrimination. When she learned that the Ebell Club of Los Angeles, of which she was a member, had a policy of racial discrimination, she resigned in protest. In the 1950s, when the first black family was about to move into her neighborhood, a bigoted white neighbor began circulating a petition seeking to prevent the move. Betty organized a successful counter-campaign to persuade others in the neighborhood not to sign the petition but welcome the family instead.

Visiting Mom with Darryl and Cynthia

Darryl and Cynthia came with me to visit Mom at her house. She was bedridden, and in great discomfort, but she was clearly pleased to see them. It might have been hard for them to tell, but I'd been visiting her a lot in the past few days, and I could see that she was positively beaming.

Day 5 of my drive to California

A stop in New Mexico
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

Left El Paso, Texas, in the morning. Drove around the city in the A.M., then on to New Mexico, eating a burger and a burrito at Burger Time in Las Cruces. Continued on I-10 into Arizona, stopping to take pics at various points along the way – San Simon rest area, Texas Canyon rest area, and Picacho Peak. Drove around Tucson a bit, then stopped in Chandler, Arizona, for the night – staying at a Super 8. Ate dinner at a nearby sports bar.

Day 4 of my drive to California

On the road in West Texas
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

Left Weatherford, Texas, in the morning, drove I-20 across Texas, through Abilene, Odessa, and Pecos (where I took some pics, and ate dinner at 4:30). Then on to El Paso, arriving there at 7:45 (Mountain Standard Time); took a room at the Quality Inn, had a couple of drinks at the Mine Shaft, next door. 592 miles for the day.

Day 3 of my drive to California

Tombstone: Horace Barnum Kanouse (1821 - 1883)
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

Left Benton, Arkansas in the morning, driving west on I-30 to Texarkana (1:30 PM). From there, I detoured south on 34 to Terrell, Texas, to check out the town where my Kanouse ancestors settled, moving from New Jersey, in the 1850s. Not sure what I was looking for, other than seeing the town, I walked into a used book store, and struck gold. The proprietor, on hearing my story, phoned an old codger who was the authority on everything about Terrell’s history – and knew exactly where my Kanouse and Laroe ancestors were buried, down to instructions of where to find them once I got to the graveyard. Amazing!

So I found the graves of my grandfather’s grandparents, Horace Barnum Kanouse and Lydia Ann Laroe, in a plot devoted to Kanouse and Laroe relatives. My middle name is Laroe, and I’d never felt much of a connection before.

I left Terrell at 6:40, and drove on to Weatherford, Texas, where I ate at a rib joint and checked in to a Super 8 Motel. Watched the Braves win the NLCS (4 games to 2 over the Mets). Phoned Robin, read Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil. 398 Miles for the day.

Sun Records

Sun Records
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

On my way to California. Left Pevely, Missouri at 10:30, driving south on I-55; breakfast at Dairy Queen, got a speeding ticket in mid-afternoon. After making it to Arkansas, I took a detour across the Mississippi into Memphis: saw the Sun Records studio, Beale Street, and Graceland (from the outside), and grabbed a bite to eat in Southhaven, Mississippi. Back on the road: I-40 to Little Rock, then southwest on I-30. Overnight at a Ramada Inn in Benton, Arkansas. Phoned Robin, then watched the Yankees take the ALCS against the Red Sox. 466 miles for the day.

At a motel in Pevely, Missouri

Coke machine
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

On my way to California, in my '97 Hyundai, with all my computer equipment in the trunk. It's step one on our move back to L. A., where I have job interviews and prospects, Robin and Mike to follow when I find us a place. I've always loved cross-country drives, and I plan to take the time to enjoy it.

Mom's condition

Spoke with David on the phone (he's in Urbana visiting Sarah and Sascha); Mom is still in the hospital, now being treated for three different infections, and is mostly unresponsive. After another two weeks in a nursing facility, she will likely recover -- but the doctor is raising the question of how long we should continue such aggressive treatment in the future, considering the quality of life she's enduring.

Depressing.

Fire next door!

Apartment Fire
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

What a day! I was preparing for a phone interview with Northrop, an aerospace company in Southern California, when I heard the sirens, and saw the fire trucks pull up to the apartment building next door to our house. I could see at a glance that this was no small deal - a threat to our own house - so I phoned Robin at her work, leaving a message for her to come ASAP. By the time my Northrop phone interview started - one of those calls where half a dozen people were on the line to take turns questioning me - there were firemen traipsing through my living room, telling me to gather up my valuables and pets. Talk about an interview from hell! Meanwhile, Robin had gotten my message, and had rushed home with such complete disregard for stop lights, stop signs, and speed limits, that several police cars arrived with her, flashing their own red lights. Aside from Robin's traffic tickets, things turned out okay for us - but the apartment building next door was a total loss, demolished a few months later.

A report from David

Nothing new on Mom. Her cognitive status fluctuates quite a bit, but she never seems to go very long without getting wires crossed regarding whom she's talking to, how old she is, who is still living and who isn't, etc. She's puzzled that Ed hasn't been around lately.

A Father's Day surprise

Hanging out on our front porch
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

For Father’s Day, Robin arranged for Darryl and Cynthia to make a surprise visit to Illinois, enlisting our friend Steve Winston in the scam: Steve told me he was coming out for a conference, and would be able to spend a weekend with me in the process. So this morning, I went to pick him up at the Peoria airport, and found Darryl and Cynthia there instead. What a wonderful mind-blower! This has to be Robin’s best surprise yet!

Kris graduates from Malibu High!

Kris graduates from Malibu High!
Originally uploaded by Snap Man

Pictured with her mom and dad, June 17, 1999. Robin flew back to California for the occasion.